I was riding up in the elevator today with my boss, and along with us were a mother and her two kids. I recognized the mother and her children, and, upon first impressions with them, I hated the littlest child of hers because he would throw tantrums in the computer lab I work in whenever the child and mother come in to fiddle with our computers. This boss, because I have two, is the king of the library, and likes to meet new patrons, and chit-chat, so he's making faces at the kids, and being all cute...
Thankfully, the kids didn't have too much of a fit in the elevator. They exited, and my boss and I continued on up to the second floor of the library. He turns to me, after noticing my reaction with the family (somewhere between horrified, thinking that I'd have to stand and listen to a baby throw a fit in the tiniest of tiny places, an elevator, and the feeling of severe hatred of children, that I have had all my life) my boss says, "Come on, those kids were cute..." I end up scowling, saying under my breath, "I hate that fucking kid..."
People aren't parental anymore. Yeah, great, bribe the fucking brat, to get him to be quiet, and expect him or her to do the same when you have nothing to barter. Kids catch on quick. The ploy is amusing to them, and they will, likely, behave after you offer them maybe an ice cream if they are good, or candy. But take them out in public, at the worst fucking times - how about early or late afternoon, the nap period, or noon, before lunch or morning...let's do fucking morning, right before they wake up and are swaying back and forth in a carrier! Tempt fate, you fucking morons! Kids wake up at odd hours. Remember Christmas morning? I remember being eight and waking up at like 4 a.m., and around 5, I'd go in to my parents' room and bug the shit out of them, until 6. I would then, start silently tearing open a present or two, and hear my mom yell, "None of those presents better be opened...." and knowing I'd be in trouble. Kids are impatient. Don't expect those booger-eaters to wait. Waiting them out is ignorant, so what do you do - you bribe them with something. And how does that help? It NEVER fucking works. You just end up raising them spoiled, and you think screaming is hell, deal with a spoiled child for an hour.
Hell, do what I do - beat the shit out of children, or humiliate them. They act up, take them to a remote area of wherever you are, and spank them. That statement comes straight from my upbringing! Or, if that doesn't work, cause them the same discomfort you are going through. If a kid wants to embarrass you, do it right back to them. Maybe pants them, or be like, "Well...daddy doesn't have enough money to buy you a toy..." and then go buy a CD or something right in front of them, only if they have a concept of money, and, in today's society, you birth those buggers, and they've already got a money clip. So then they say, "Daddy, I want this!" "Sorry, son (daughter), but I already bought this CD for myself...maybe next time, don't disappoint me, and I might just have enough money for YOU!"
You might say to yourself, "But that preludes another catastrophe." Oh, the contrary, you disgusting bastard! You instill your style of beating-the-shit-out-of-your-kids...if they pipe up; "Oh, but it's not fair! Blah blah blah, I wanted a toy!" You warn those bastards with some kind of hand gesture, or look. Get the look down! Have that set in your mind - get angry when need be. Flash them an anticipatory glare; somewhat along the lines of, “I dare you – say something else,” or, like I stated before, a hand gesture that has one sole purpose and that is to scare the living shit out of your kid once they see it, and you’re good! "You said you didn't have enough money!" "Well, bitch, that's cuz I lied!" And just laugh in their face.
My dad used to fuck with us kids. He'd say, "Today, sometime, I want to go to your grandpa's and pull weeds!" So it would be early afternoon, and we didn't want to pull weeds. We'd be upset the whole day because we would have to get out of the house, and work for a couple hours. My dad would not tell us a thing the rest of the day. That's it! He would ruin our day, and then not do anything. Next day, he might say, "Damn, those weeds at grandpa's are getting huge." We still wouldn't do anything. The next day, we thought we were out of pulling weeds, and he'd wake us up early, surprising us, telling us, "Get dressed! We're going to grandpa's..."
"To play with the kitty cats?" I would inquire.
"No, your ass will be in a field of weeds...picking them.....until that field is cleared!"
He'd do that, or, if there was something we wanted, like I remember when I was like five or six, he bought my brother and I Gameboys at Sears. Then, we also got to pick out a game. He never let us live that one down. "But I don't wanna mow the lawn!" "Yeah, well, I DIDN'T WANT to buy you guys video games, but I did!"
I already can tell I'm going to be an asshole to my kids, but I plan to also be kind of cool - one of those dads that will understand if you come home drunk, but I'll fuck with you, or, one minute be pissed off at you, but I won't hold it against you. But yeah, if you are my kid and start busting my balls, be prepared...
