I have to admit, I browse the www.imdb.com quite a bit. The people behind that website know movies, and I love movies, so our love for movies is pretty orgasmic to say the least. While hunting down upcoming movie releases to my theatre and neighboring theaters, and all theaters nationwide, I happened to unearth a film that will be released in May, in France, called "Teeth". I don't appreciate the work of dentists. Something seems a little off when you go in for a root canal and end up having two done for the price of two, and the procedure is spread out in the coarse of about two months. That there is an example of a sentence full of two's. I guess I'm bitter. So a movie about teeth didn't strike my fancy, assuming that a movie entitled "Teeth" is in some way Hollywood's take on the dentistry world. However, I was thoroughly surprised to learn that the movie "Teeth" is about a teenage girl with a set of chompers in her vagina. Yes, that is right, this girl has what doctors and scholars alike call "Vaginal Dentata," or, vagina-teeth.
The film has been rated R for disturbing sequences involving sexuality and violence, language and some drug use. I have a sneaking suspicion that this girl's vagina is going to take a bite out of American audiences, and probably a nibble or two off any penis that it comes in contact with. Really, what the fuck?! I know you want to push the envelope and everything, but my god, why vagina-teeth? I don't want to see teeth in a vagina! Just because a vagina has lips doesn't necessarily mean it needs teeth! Why teeth? Why not a sandwich? Do you have to feed a vagina with teeth? Does it have it's own stomach? Here's a movie idea: how about a penis with a knife for the tip?! I could make millions!
I don't want to see teeth in a vagina! I feel like a little kid hiding under a blanket in his bed, with just my eyes sticking out from above the covers....staring at a vagina - which in all other scenarios would be a pretty fantastic thing - oh no! That vagina has vaginal dentata! I was warned by my mom never to play with a vagina with teeth. Maybe that vagina should make an appointment with the dentist to remove those teeth. Is there a dentist who specifically does vagina-work? Do you get one set of vagina-teeth, or is it like mouth-teeth where you have a baby-set and an adult-set? God, I would hate to be the tooth fairy in charge of picking up those teeth....
The movie is obviously based on an urban legend because I have another sneaking suspicion vagina-teeth don't exist. I've never seen a vagina with teeth. Why would I sit through a movie to see a girl with teeth in her vagina? WHY should ANYONE see a movie that features vagina-teeth?! From what I've read, this movie has some gore. I bet you most of that gore is brought on by a vagina with teeth. That's why you don't mess with nature or cloning or playing god, anything like that. Teeth in a vagina is god's way of saying, "Fine! Wanna be a creator, huh?! A hot-shot stem-cell researcher...TEETH IN A VAGINA! BOOM! Let's see if you enjoy sex now!"
Here is the actual synopsis for the movie "Teeth" - 'Still a stranger to her own body, a high school student discovers she has a physical advantage when she becomes the object of male violence.' I'm thinking there is a rape-scene in this movie, and a rape-scene that's turned on its heal by, yet again, more teeth in a vagina. I guess that is one positive of it all - that if a guy is such a slim-ball, son of a bitch to rape a woman, she should be well-equipped with vagina-teeth. The irony of it all! ...rape is bad. Moral of the story: you decide to get fresh, forcing yourself on a girl...you get THE TEETH!
