My body has a tendency of doing weird things. Sometimes parts of my body just itch - no mosquito bite visible, or rash...my skin just itches. If I eat too late in the night, I have to fart every thirty seconds. I'll wake up, and have to piss, get dressed real quick and go out to my car in the morning, and, for fuck's sake, I have to pee again. My knees pop at odds times - I'll be walking along, and like a gunshot, my knee pops. Sometimes, it will sound like a disgusting noise, usually any time when I'm around other people.
One night, I recall, I was over at a friend's house. I had peed not even an hour ago, maybe drank a half cup of water the whole night. I say goodbye to the friend at their door, walk to my car, fondle for my keys in my pants pocket, unlock my driver's side door, and slide into the seat...then it hits me; "I really should have taken a piss before I left." I've got the bladder of a ninety-year-old man, I do. If you think that's bad, watch me when I drink.
Here's another story for you - I went to my friend Tyler's and had a beer or two. I get a toasty feeling after around two or three, but instead, I couldn't stop peeing. I'd get up, go to the restroom, come back, and within a five minute or more interval, had to waltz back into the bathroom to make another urinary deposit. And then in about five minutes or more, I was back in the restroom; I must have taken, at least, five or six bathroom breaks in the last thirty minutes.
One of these days, and I know it's bound to happen, I am going to overlook using the restroom before hitting the road, leaving some destination, I'll jump in my car and immediately, within a couples minutes of driving, I'll have to go pee, except this time, I won't be able to hold it. I keep a cup or two in my car, mainly because I'm too lazy after ordering something through the drive-thru and drinking it, to throw the cup away. Now, it's a toilet. That cup is in my car because I pee all the time.
Just imagine pissing yourself now-a-days. Back in the day, if you pissed your pants, it was no big deal. Your bladder was still fairly small; peeing your pants, as far as wetness goes, was like spilling a drink in your lap. Now...Christ, if I peed my pants right now, those pants would be soaked, in fact, so soaked with my own urine because God help you if some other adult human peed on your pants, and then you peed your pants because that person was peeing on you...wow! If I pissed myself now...goodbye that pair of pants, I mean, washing that pair of pants would do nothing to that pee-smell. When I pee, normally, within the confines of a toilet bowl, that crystal clear water turns into something that looks like Guinness beer! I'm a dehydrated man! I can't remember what the conversation was, but a friend of mine said his New Year's resolution one year was to drink 8 oz. of water with every meal. And no, the conversation was not about what our New Year's resolution for this year would be.
I would have to agree with my friend - I think I would feel a lot better if I drank more water. I drink a lot of water now, but I know it's still below the recommended amount. Back at Tyler's place the night I had a prostate-problem, I remember I wanted to pee without flushing simply to see how brown I could get that water. And trust me, urine is yellow, but enough of a collection of it...never mind. So this entire post is about urine...
As far as resolutions go, I like it that people can't commit to one simple thing. Most resolutions are that a person wants to lose some weight, or cut out as much carbohydrates as possible, yet to do so is a simple procedure; either you change your diet so you are eating more fruits and veggies, maybe more meat than potatoes, you might join a gym, or go out, first thing, and purchase some new running shoes. But people never stick to the diet, or they do, but they revert back to their old eating habits, and just fuck themselves up! I'd reckon most easy things to commit to are overlooked as far as harder, maybe even more rigorous things. For instance, you find out a girl you slept with has a bun in the oven, and the bread tastes like you or looks like you...maybe you're sour dough, the mom is like rye, and the baby is sour-rye...that was a horrible analogy...fuckin' hell! You get a girl knocked up! She's preggers, simple mistake, really...that's a huge lifestyle change. If you are the better man, you take responsibility and want to be there for the mother and child, which means you are responsible for a life, and whatever details follow. More people commit to having an accidental birth then they would cutting cholesterol.
Just imagine if Rocky Balboa would have given up. You saw his work out - drink a whole egg yolk or two, run from one side of Philadelphia to the other then back again, those fucking steps! He would have never of gotten a chance to fight Apollo Creed, and I'm pretty sure Mr. T would have killed him in the ring; I don't know that for sure, but if all else failed, that Russian would have punched right through his head! That's another thing, when you die you shit and piss yourself. How does anyone ever die with dignity?
